This is me…
Hungry for change?
Well yes, of course I am. But I was also down right HUNGRY all the blooming time!
So you’ve read the first sentence of this blog and you’re thinking… what is gods name is she on about this time? Yep, you are… I can hear you thinking that from here!
Ok, as everyone knows who follows me or has stumbled across my blog at one time for another, I’m battling a recurrent miscarriage problem and I’ve been tested for everything from ear infections to thyroid to blahblahitis (blahblahitis is an itis I just created which means ‘so over infertility it’s not funny’, actually it never was funny but you get my point). Anyway everything came back perfect, except of course I test positive to Blahblahitis. And all that is left for me to do is lose weight. At 162cm tall weighing 98kgs (shhh I’ve never told anyone that before), it seem easier to just cut myself in half with a butter knife *leaving uterus intact.
Anyway as you could imagine I have tried everything from prescription diet pills to all carb to no carb to starvation and every time I put on weight! ARGH.
If you follow me on twitter (if you don’t you should! I don’t have very many followers!) you will know that I’ve started seeing a new naturopath, the lovely and exceptional Meah Robertson from Sharkeys Natural Healing Centre - www.sharkeyshealingcentre.com.au - anyway during my initial appointment I very possibly was the most shut down person you have ever met, I was at the end of my tether and seriously what else could anyone tell me. I’m not sure if Meah recognised this but looking back she was brilliant, she didn’t push anything kept it simple but strongly encouraged me to read the literature and watch an online movie (more about that shortly). So I thought well I’ve spent $300 on this I may as well give it everything I’ve got (which to be frank at the time wasn’t much, I had emotionally checked out). So I read the books which outlines the Five Step process to fertility and I thought ‘Hell I may as well watch this online movie, cause I’ve got so much spare time as stuff’ - not really but I made time.
Let me tell you between Meah and this movie I honestly feel like a changed person in a WEEK, yes a WEEK! But more about that shortly.
www.hungryforchange.tv is where you want to be, it is only free for about the next 12hrs but if you miss it BUY IT! I couldn’t recommend it more! I changes the way you think about food and diet and everything we have been conditioned to believe throughout our lives.
So to summarise in a week - I’ve lost 3kgs, had a compliment about my skin (when I wasn’t wearing makeup and hadn’t done my hair), got my period (fellow PCOSers will understand the enormity of this), the herbs that Meah created for me are divine and I feel like a divine Goddess taking them and last but not least I treated myself to French Toast this morning and yes it was nice, but I didn’t want it. I ate half and then just wanted a vege juice…. True Story.
If you are battling infertility and feel like giving up hope call Meah at Sharkeys, she is amazing. Whether I end up pregnant through this journey or not, it doesn’t matter I feel great. And feeling this great I’m sure I will end up with a viable pregnancy!
Without a doubt!
I’m cutting sugar out. It was tough and the head aches were gruelling, but a week on I am starting to feel amazing. Today I’m tackling coffee. More WATER less COFFEE!
Take a moment… To enjoy your day.
Take a moment… To let the sun kiss your skin.
Take a moment… To dip your toe in a puddle.
Take a moment… To enjoy a child’s laugh.
Take a moment… To admire at the stars.
Promise me, that you’ll take a moment today… To breathe.
Exx
The hard way
Thanks so much for the support and feedback on my last post, it means the world to me. :-)
So my follow up appointment… Once again I was sitting in the waiting room, tired, nervous but not as much as last time.
The Dr called me in and we went through the general stuff…
Dr: How’s your weight going?
Me: Nowhere apparently lol.
Dr: I’m afraid to say, I have no idea. Every test for every possible cause of your recurrent miscarriages has come back perfect. You are generally exceptionally healthy.
Me: Seriously… no gluten problem, no thyroid, no immune stuff…
Dr: Nothing darling, nothing at all.
Me: *sitting there a little overwhelmed*
Dr: You are working on getting your weight down, I need you to work a little harder. Weight has no affect for some peoples fertility and for others the affect is drastic. It is the last thing left for us to eliminate.
Me: Ok *shaky*
Dr: It is going to be hard, you have PCOS which means that as hard as it is for the average person to lose weight, your journey will be 3 times as bad. But you’re successful in every other part of your life, if anyone can do it you can.
Me: *now crying*
We talked a bit more and he hugged me and said he would see me pregnant in 3mths. :-). I wish I had his faith.
From my apt with my Dr I was hoping to walk out with a script to fix everything but that didn’t happen. For the rest of the day I was overwhelmed, which I hid with my larger than life personality and threw myself into my work. It wasn’t until last night (friday night) and my husband was away that I had a moment to think and cry. This is what I thought about…
In the last 2mths my Dad (who is 54) has been diagnosed with Prostate cancer, now most men don’t die from this cancer however it looks like Dad has had it since his late 30’s meaning that although it is practically symptomless, it is very advanced and has spread to his bones and it will kill him. 6mths, 6 years or 16 years the Dr’s can’t say. I can never think about this as like most girls, my Dad is my best friend, my hero.
Last night for the first time in months I was confronted with something I spend my life avoiding… spare time. The house work was done, I didn’t have a book to read and the power went out… bye bye internet and hello thoughts.
First I was thinking about work and everything except my Dad and my infertility but eventually I couldn’t stop the thoughts from coming. I was curled up on the lounge room floor and I had no choice but to let the guilt, grief, sadness, emptiness and terror wash over me. I have no idea how long I sobbed for. I am terrified of a life without my Dad, terrified of a life without children and terrified my Dad won’t be around long enough to meet my children. I cried and cried and cried. I dragged myself up and took myself to bed long after midnight.
This morning I woke from the best sleep I have had in a long time. I felt fresh and alive. And in my heart I know I’ve got to this the hard way. Every step towards my ultimate goal of a healthy weight and fertility will be a burning step but I will make it. I’m more determined than ever because my Dad is my hero and my children deserve to have him as their hero also. No chocolate, coffee, cake or ice cream could ever taste as good as that will feel!
I invite you to follow my journey or even join me on my journey it will be a rough one but I’m sure we can all support each other and shares stories as we go along.
E xxx
They ‘count’… They were all your babies…
My last blog was over a month ago now. I was so excited for my initial IVF consult with my new Dr after my last Dr decided to retire before I started. I woke early with anticipation and excitement. Arrived at the appointment early and sat pondering everything in the car, I just could shake a ‘bizarre’ feeling. I’ve always thought IVF may not be the answer but after 5 miscarriages you reach a point that you’re happy to throw money at the problem and hope it goes away. Unfortunately this may not be the case with my problem.
I walked into the clinic still apprehensive but excited, I made small talk with both receptionists… I work in sales in the health industry so it was easy to cover my nerves with my larger than life personality. Then I was called in by the Dr and I was greeted by the loveliest elderly man I have possible ever met. Everything about him said ‘I understand, I care and I want to help’. Through our conversation I made mention of 5 miscarriages and then the conversation went a little like this
Dr: So you’re telling me you’ve had 5 miscarriages, 2 Specialists and a GP and no one has done any testing? You’ve just been referred to IVF?
Me: Yeah, but they were so early that I felt like they didn’t count as serious miscarriages, so I didn’t push the issues.
Dr: Maybe if you have 1 or 2 early losses we could chalk it up to bad luck but 5 really does matter. And by the way they all ‘count’, they were all your babies. But I’m going to help you.
It was about then that I lost my emotional bundle and cried and cried. It turns out this Dr has been down this path with his own wife, many many many moons ago. He is one in a million and I feel so blessed that through a series of events he has come into my life.
I’m now going through gazillions of tests and I have my next appointment next week.
Back to being excited and apprehensive!
Initial IVF Consultation
Today is the day. I’ve been waiting for it to arrive for over 3 mths. I’m so excited but so terrified at the same time. So many questions for the Dr and for myself. Am I doing the right thing? What about natural selection? When do we stop being human and start play God? Will it help with recurrent miscarriage? What is causing my recurrent miscarriage? Can you help? And of course last but not least… Will I ever be a Mum?
Really??
